There is no one in the other boat

In the Taoist parable, “The Empty Boat,” a man is floating down a river when he sees another boat heading towards him. He gets frantic and starts yelling for the other boat to change course. He curses at the competence of the other fisherman. Then as the boat approaches, he sees the boat is empty, having come untied from its dock.

Like many, I struggle with grudges and slights. Sometimes I lie awake thinking about what the person said and how angry it made me feel. Yet what are the chances they are lying awake, thinking about what they said to me? Slim to none!

In his book Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn describes the foundations, or attitudes, that are considered fundamental for cultivating a mindful approach to life. These attitudes are all interconnected and cultivating these attitudes will deepen your meditation practice in addition to enhancing your energy, creativity, and well-being.

The seventh and final one of these attitudes is letting go.

Letting go involves releasing our attachment to our thoughts, emotions, and outcomes. Wait, you say, I’m not attached to my thoughts. Studies show that 90% of our ~ 70,000 thoughts a day are repetitive. We think about the same things over and over again. That’s attachment.

We cling to our ideas and views about ourselves and the kind of person we are. About others. About situations. These ideas come from our likes and dislikes, and our judgment about things. This is a pleasant experience-I want it to last forever. This is an unpleasant experience-I wish it would end now!

Attachment is often seen as the other side of caring. When we deeply care about someone, something, or a goal, it’s natural to become attached. We also become connected to our core values, and when those are violated, letting go becomes difficult. Sometimes, however, we remain attached to people, outcomes, or the past, even when it no longer benefits us. In fact, these attachments can become unhelpful or even harmful, keeping us stuck in patterns that no longer serve our well-being.

A number of studies have explored the impact of being able to let go on mental health and shown links between non-attachment and psychological wellbeing.

How do we cultivate letting go, or non-attachment?

• Practice noticing how you label experience, as good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. Do you find yourself clinging to what you perceive to be good/pleasant? Can you try to avoid these labels and just see the experience as it is?
• Observe how often you ruminate, or replay scenarios, conversations, and interactions with others. How often are these things that cannot be changed or are out of your control?
• Release the need to control or possess things. Allow things to just be as they are and accept what is happening right now.
• Use some of the following phrases to practice acceptance:
  • Others have no power over me.
  • This is the way it is right now.
  • I have no control over other people.
  • I cannot change what has already happened.

Part of the parable of the empty boat is that no matter what you are clinging to, angry at, or worried about, there is never anyone in the other boat. These feelings are inside you, affecting you. What happens to us is not a cause of feelings, rather an external circumstance that triggers the feeling.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

-- Buddha

Letting go brings many benefits, including improved well-being, reduced stress, greater peace, and resilience. It doesn’t mean we stop caring about people or goals, nor does it imply aimlessness. Instead, letting go involves cultivating psychological flexibility and learning to accept things outside of our control. This mindset allows us to focus on what matters without being weighed down by unattainable outcomes, promoting both inner peace and personal growth.