The Sound of Silence

Recently, I took a fantastic vacation in Arches and Canyonlands National Parks in Utah. During one of our hikes, we climbed up some very tall (and slightly scary) ladders bolted into the side of canyon rocks and suddenly we were on top of the canyon, with 360-degree views for miles and miles all around. Not only was the view incredible, but it was quiet. Eerily, intensely quiet.

It was so quiet, it felt like being in a soundproofed room alone. No noises of nature, no other people around, far from any city or electronic noises. It seemed like a cocoon. It’s hard for me to describe how I experienced this, but my husband and I just stood there for a while, in the silence. You forget that your own living space is not quiet even when you feel like it is, with the low whirs and hums of things plugged in, birds outside and cars and planes in the distance.

I was once told I was a very good interviewer because I was comfortable with silence-I wasn’t afraid to let the other person think a second and I didn’t feel compelled to fill every moment with words. Why does silence make us so uncomfortable?

Part of the reason is surely due to the constant stimulation we have in terms of noise-not just in our living spaces but everywhere. People talk on the phone in nearly every setting. Notifications are constantly binging and pinging. Many people work in spaces surrounded by other people. In these kinds of environments, silence feels unnatural to us.

We also worry that we might seem boring or unintelligent if we are not actively and quickly contributing to a conversation. I am sure we’ve all been in meetings where people talked a lot but not much was really said, yet still the quiet person is remembered negatively (Mary didn’t say much today).

We also worry that we might seem boring or unintelligent if we are not actively and quickly contributing to a conversation. I am sure we’ve all been in meetings where people talked a lot but not much was really said, yet still the quiet person is remembered negatively (Mary didn’t say much today).

Science tells us that silence is good for us. It improves sleep, helps rejuvenate the brain, is good for stress and the cardiovascular system, and improves our creativity and decision-making. It can also be a strategic tool for communication. Here are some ways to leverage silence in a purposeful way:

• Use the “10-second rule”: After you ask a question, wait at least 10 seconds for the other person or group to reflect and respond.
• Conversely, when you are about to speak, give yourself a brief 5-10 count pause to make sure what you are about to say is necessary, useful, or helpful to the conversation.
• Use silence in active listening: Often someone just wants to be heard, they are not looking for your advice or commentary. Just listen and then thank them for sharing. This skill is practiced in the 8-week mindfulness-based stress reduction program, and I found it to be quite powerful. If you are unsure here, you can always ask the other person if they are looking for advice or looking for a listening ear.
• Use strategic silent pauses in negotiation or conflict resolution to project calm and authority.

What are some ways you build or utilize silence into your personal and professional life? I’d love to hear in the comments.

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”

-- Plato